Her recipe card is still on the fridge. His mug is in the sink.
Kitchen table
Since Mom died, Dad is alone in the house she ran
You have started every sentence about him with those three words since March: since Mom died, he is alone in the house she ran.
Since Mom died, Dad has been eating cereal standing up. Since Mom died, the laundry is in a pile on her side of the bed. Since Mom died, he has lost weight you can see from across the table, and when you ask, he says he is fine. You are grieving her and frightened for him at the same time, and the person you would have called to ask what to do is the one who died.
This site is written for you, the daughter in Ballwin or Chesterfield with a father alone in Glencoe or Eureka or the city. He is not a project. He is a man who was married for fifty-five years to a woman who did everything, and everything is now his, and yours.
What you are probably seeing
Three open cartons of milk. The pill box with Wednesday still full on Friday. Unopened mail. The same shirt, three visits in a row. A scrape on the truck. More bottles in the recycling. Silence in a house that always had a radio on. None of that means he is failing. Each one is a task that had your mother's name on it. The National Institute on Aging's page on coping with grief and loss says it in one sentence: many couples divide up their household tasks, and splitting up jobs often works well until there is only one person who must do it all.
What is grief, and what is a phone call
We will not tell you which one your father has; nobody who writes here is his doctor. The NIA says that after someone close to you dies you may feel numb, shocked, fearful, guilty or angry, that all of these feelings are normal, and that a person who is both widowed and retired may feel very lonely and become depressed. Talk with the doctor.
The NIA's page on depression and older adults gives you the line to hold. Depression is common among older adults but not a normal part of aging. If several signs last for more than two weeks, including eating less, weight that changes, or drinking more, the NIA says to talk with the doctor. That is your rule. If he ever talks about not wanting to be here, the number is 988, by call, text or chat, any hour, free.
The card on the fridge
Every chapter adds one line to a card that describes a good week for a widowed father. Tape it to his fridge.
The card on the fridgeWhat a good week looks like for Dad
- The list of what Mom did is written down, and every line has a name next to it.
- He ate a real meal at least once a day, and somebody saw him eat it.
- Somebody asked him how he is actually doing, and listened to the whole answer.
- The Sunday pill box got filled, and by Saturday it was empty in the right order.
- He had company at the table that was not a screen.
- The furnace ran, the step was salted, and the thermostat stayed at 68.
- He got where he wanted to go, and nobody had to wonder how he got there.
- He walked into one room with other people in it, and stayed a while.
One line per chapter. If most of them are true this week, he is doing better than he will say.
The chapters
Each chapter answers a question a daughter types at two in the morning. Cited claims are tied to public pages you can open. Health questions go to his doctor. No prices, no ratings.
- Mom did everything, and now Dad can't manageThe list of what she did that nobody wrote down.
- Dad isn't eating since Mom diedNot cooking versus not hungry, and Meals on Wheels.
- Dad is depressed after Mom died. What can I do?What the NIA calls normal, and the 988 number.
- Dad forgets his pills since Mom died. She used to do itThe Sunday box, and questions for the pharmacist.
- A companion for an elderly widowed father is not a nurseLunch, the grocery run, and how to introduce it as company.
- The first winter alone for an elderly dadFurnace, driveway, thermostat, and who checks each.
- Dad is still driving after Mom died and I'm worriedThe NIA's warning signs, and the rides.
- A senior center near Chesterfield for my dadAging Ahead centers, the VFW, and Meals on Wheels.
The three phone numbers
Before you pay for anything, know what already exists. For a father in St. Louis County, St. Charles, Franklin or Jefferson County, the Area Agency on Aging is Aging Ahead, which has served adults 60 and older since 1973; its Meals on Wheels page lists the number as 1-800-243-6060. For a father inside the city limits, the St. Louis Area Agency on Aging is at (314) 612-5918. For the night you cannot get to, 988.
Two more desks
Ask for a call back
This form goes to New Plan Care, the paid placement above, and nowhere else. If you would rather talk to a person first, call (314) 405-0887.
A name, a phone number and a town. Please do not type any health details here. Those questions belong with his doctor.